back to zero

back to meltdown......as Mick Jagger would spout. and so i find myself back at the desk acoss the street from death, next to the toxic Deutsche bank building, just biding time until the next shoe drops.......not a lot of fun in the sun in lower manhattan these days......a lot of "ancient vacant streets too dead for dreaming".....somedays ...especially in September...the wind howls down these streets and gives new meaning to the phrase Ghost Town......I swear sometimes when I am in Suspenders I can still hear people partying from the night of 9/10/01........even though the bar is usually empty.......not scary, just weird........I hope I am paying some sort of pennance by being forced to work here again........it's a vicous cycle......you try so hard throughout the year to go about your business without obsessing over the pit across the street or constantly thinking about the events of that day.......and on those rare occasions when you can block it out of your head, you find yourself consumed with guilt for not thinking about them....every good lunch , every cold beer break, every 10 minutes of peace watching a ballgame in o'haras is followed by a walk past the pit and feeling guilty for moving on.........i sure hope whatever hasn't killed me will somehow make me stronger....but I don't see how.......