15 years

so....here we are again....15 years later.....I had a very emotional last 30 days....I got on a plane, I was forced to examine my life and ponder what my impact had been if I were to die on my way home from California...I put the first 36 years of my life under one microscope and the last 15 under a very different lens......because I have lived 2 lives....just like everyone else I suppose....I knew in the first 24 hours that I would never get the old me back, that I would never be allowed to look at life the way I had before....for better or worse, the first 36 years were history and I was on a much different path....despite a quicker temper, less tolerance, heightened feelings of abandonment or betrayal ( real or imaginary doesn't matter in the moment)....despite all that , I think ive done okay......I manage to put on a smile and go about my business most days.....I find amusement in everything to maintain my sanity and I manage to hide my breakdowns/meltdowns etc etc from the general public, my dog Gravey was the only one who saw me at my lowest points, and she helped me smile and laugh again.........I manage to detach myself when talking about that day....I can tell a brief story without really going there in my head....and that's key....because sometimes when I least expect it, someone will want to talk about it and that's never easy.......and sometimes......very rarely.....when I least expect it.....something comes back and I want to talk about it.......so I sit here this morning.......very close to 8:44......and the reading of the names....i'll mute the TV soon......but I think the hardest thing after all these years is guilt......guilt that I was so excited and relieved to escape what felt like certain death.....guilt to feel such an inner happiness as I walked in the door that night despite not knowing how many thousands of people and friends were dead.......it's normal, but it aint fun........for an irish storyteller like myself , this should be my greatest tale.....it should be my go to cocktail hour story...embellishing the details with each telling, but for this greates story ever told , there is no happy ending, no punchline,and I can't tell it..... I am eternally grateful to have survived, but am still haunted by the guilt........if you are reading this....God Bless, stay well.