i saw you in my nightmares

But I'll see you in my dreams

And I might live a thousand years

Before I know what that means (N.Young)

well that didn't take long....last night was my first night terrors of 2022......a recurring series of nightmares that drag on through the night....same central theme....it's been plaguing me for 20+ years...slightly different but always the same.

Last night started with a familiar dream.....i am in the kitchen at work and when i go back to my desk i realize i am on the 100th floor of an office building ( guess which one) and there is impendng doom.....i try in vain to warn everyone that a plane is coming to kill us.....but nobody listens or cares.....i am panicked and sweating and head for the elevators....but the elevator is an open air ski lift type of vehicle and instead of going to down to the lobby it just circles the floor.......i am in terror mode.....i am pushing every button , but the elevator will not descend........i wake up in a cold sweat.

back to sleep....nightmare two....even more disturbing......similar scenario....i am on the 100th floor looking at the window and i am paralyzed with fear....i suddenly realize where i am and what is about to happen.....this time i look at the people working at their desks and i decide i have to get away from them because they are all about to die and i get in the elevator.....i warn nobody....i try to leave without telling them......the elevator stops halfway down and now i am stuck in the middle of the building.....i get out at look for a different elevator......i am frantically pushing call buttons but nothing happens.....people are walking the halls unaware of what is about to happen......i am searching for the stairs but find nothing.....i wake up in a cold sweat....last night i looked at my watch.....barely 11:00....i had a splitting headache......my heart was pounding ....and it was too early to get up....i HAD to go back to sleep.

back to the 100th floor.....again i tell nobody what's going to happen (which is disturbing to recall) i instead find the stairs......but this is weird, even for my brain......the stairs are like the MSG staircases in the 1980's......people hanging out smoking cigarettes and weed....drinking beer.....talking....and basically blocking my path......i am trying to squeeze past them....acting nonchalant and calm, but sweating.....and then boom.....we are rocked by an explosion....now all the cigarette smoke turns thick and black and the lights are flickering and people are panicking ....i give up....i can't make it down the stairs....i wake up......midnight....fuck me.

now i am on the street....a weird street in lower Manhattan that i have never seen before....i desperately look at the buildings , trying to find a landmark....but nothing looks familiar......i am trying to get to hoboken.....i find a train station but i do not have tokens or a metrocard.....i am in a long line waiting to buy a ticket.....i finally decide to get on a train without a ticket......i am trying to tell the conductor that i am trying to escape the WTC , but it hasn't happened yet and everyone is laughing at me.....i can't remember where i have to change for the PATH train.....i can't remember anything.....the subway keeps rolling and they tell me to put my luggage on the luggage rack........i see this as my chance to escape....and i jump off the train........now i am in Hoboken.....but it sure isn't hoboken.....the deli that sells beer in now on a barge in the hudson...and i am determined to get beer........but the beer looks weird.....each bottle has a different label....and it's warm....no coors light.......the girl at the counter (not Jacqie) shows me where a 30 pack of bud light is hidden and i place a blanket over the 30 pack and try to sneak out.........i wake up and it's 2:55.....i have to get out of bed.....get a drink of water....hope to flush the insanity from my brain........i will just lie awake until the alarm sounds at 4:40....i wouldn't dare trying to go back to sleep........i lie awake.....wondering if i will be having these dreams when i am 65, 70, 75 or however long i live.....in whatever city, state or country  i live......will i just lay in bed praying for the dawn to chase the monsters out of my head until the next time........they are less frequent than 2001, 2002, 2003 etc.....but when they come back, they come back with a vengeance .....not sure what triggers it.....maybe a commercial on TV (t2T) or a news story or traumatic event in the papers.....or a song on my ipad....or nothing at all.......i stopped wondering why i drink so much years ago.....i have plenty of good reasons.

If I could hold on to just one thought

For long enough to know

Why my mind is moving so fast

And the conversation is slow

Burn off all the fog

And let the sun through to the snow

Let me see your face again

Before I have to go